Kamala Harris locked up Child Molesters, and I am fucking proud of her

This entire piece is a trigger. Trigger warning in effect as of now.

I deleted most of what I had written earlier. The tone was a bit too lighthearted and snarky, and snark, while a powerful tool, can seem crass and gauche when it doesn’t do the subject matter any justice. I had comedic diatribes and slightly clever barbs aimed at those I felt weren’t giving Kamala a fair chance, giving Kamala a break, or were holding Kamala to unfair standards.

But this isn’t about Kamala, is it? It’s about us.

It seems lately that everybody has it in for Kamala Harris, and we who support her, by the very nature of that support, suffer with her, step for step. It’s hard to believe in much right now with the state of national politics being what it is, and with the unworthy attacks constantly being made upon our candidate, our politics, and even ourselves. Fairness, integrity, and even hope, at times, seem beyond belief. I don’t believe much, I’m a skeptic. What I do believe about Kamala, beyond all of the cases she has been attacked for, past all of the rachet headlines forecasting the demise of her campaign; I do believe one thing.

I believe she is here for us, for the People.

So before that gentle and good night falls upon us, before the platinum daggers of belated billionaires cut the heart out of her campaign, and also from our own meager chests, I have a need to write. I feel that it is imperative that I at least show you a bit of her side of the story. Know that I haven’t spoken with her, I am not with her campaign, related to her, or even a friend. What I am, like many of us who chose a “cop” from Oakland to represent us–what I am is a Survivor.

I have been that child. WE have been that child. We saw her record. We see what she did. Yet, rather than letting our hindsight eyes to get stuck on a few mistakes, we chose to glide our eyes beyond what everyone says she did wrong; we searched instead for what she did RIGHT.

Kamala Harris locked up Child Molesters, and I am fucking proud of her.

From 1989 to 1998 Kamala Harris spent her time working her way up from the basement working DUI cases, to being the well known prosecutor who was a child sex predator’s worst nightmare. Wrapped up in a professionally polished package, Kamala has the heart of a lioness and a soul that burns for justice, especially when it comes to our pride and joy, our future leaders and innovators, the most vulnerable, our precious children.

There was a time when everyone knew that about Kamala Harris; she was known far and wide for her ferocity when it came to those who hurt children.

LA Times said this in 2004:

In August, her office made local history by winning a conviction against a 21-year-old man who was sentenced to three years in state prison for pimping a 14-year-old girl. For the first time in San Francisco, a press release crowed, the pimp was charged with statutory rape and child molestation. “Today we have removed a predator from our streets,” Harris declared


Kamala Harris was known by all, not only for teaching advocacy skills at Stanford and University of San Francisco, or even for days when she dated the talk show host, Montel Williams. It wasn’t even her time spent “dancing with super six; Midnight Magic.”–her dance troupe from high school that got the public’s attention.

It was her fight against sexual predators that made her name.

Nowadays, word on the street is nobody even knows Kamala Harris. Where a few months ago we had people claiming to know her completely, even her intentions and motivations, which, of course, were bad bad bad, now suddenly, no one knows a thing about her… What they do know is that she spent her WHOLE CAREER locking up Black men for mysterious minor crimes. They know she was a “cop.” Well, what they know is absolute bullshit. Kamala Harris spent 9 years working as a Prosecutor in the Sex Crimes Unit in the Alameda County DA’s office. Her specialty? Sex crimes involving children.

LA Times:

“It’s a sea change in terms of how this issue has been dealt with through the ages,” said San Francisco Dist. Atty. Kamala Harris, who pushed aggressively for the bill, as well as for the city’s first safe house for underage prostitutes, scheduled to open next year.

“It’s finally in black and white, legislated, that adults cannot buy children for sex.”

Some will say it is not a big deal to win a fight to have this most basic value enshrined in law. Undoubtedly they will tell you that her mistakes cannot be measured against the good she has done. Maybe they’ll even say that the good cannot even be discussed. That it is a distraction, a red herring, or even a cop out. They’ll be entirely wrong.

“It’s finally in black and white, legislated, that adults cannot buy children for sex.”

I cried the first time I read that line.


Harris had seen the effects up close as a deputy district attorney prosecuting sex abuse cases in Alameda County. Once, she set out to search for a young girl who had been sexually assaulted, and found her for sale on San Francisco’s streets. On one side of the bay, the girl was a victim, abused at home, who could not legally consent to sexual activity. On the other, she was entering the justice system as a perpetrator.

What else can a woman do when a teenage girl, abused at home, violated in the most tangible of ways runs away? She’d look for her, right? Like many who deal with “at risk” youth, Kamala Harris has spent her share of time tracking down a lost soul.

I can imagine her nights spent looking for missing girls as clearly as I see in my memory the mothers who would come to Sunset Blvd looking for “Becca” or “Stephanie” or ” Heather” among the painted faces, bewigged heads, and plastic accoutrements we wore in those dim, mirrored salons of the various “Gentlemen’s Clubs” that nestled nervously among the edifices along the Boulevard.

Just as they were told to check with the “strong women” strutting down Sunset in the moonlight on their way to Denny’s, so too was she likely bid to check with the “working girls” and if not them, try the pimps. It’s a cold world out there y’all. Knowing Kamala, she, like me, likely knew one or two pimps from run ins on previous occasions. Hopefully she, unlike me, didn’t know them from that time she ended up slapboxing with a pimp in the middle of the street on Wilshire over a girl he tried to “recruit.” Chicago, ha! Haven’t thought about him in years.


From “The Truths We Hold”:

I’d be given a briefcase on a Friday afternoon containing a pager (high-tech for the early nineties), a pen … Eventually, I moved into a unit that focused on prosecuting sex crimes—putting rapists and child molesters behind bars.

It was difficult, distressing, and deeply important work.

Oh, Kamala doesn’t talk much about her courtroom battles. I doubt you would either if you were dealing with 5 or 6 year old children who had been raped by their own brother, or 14 year olds who were gangraped by degenerates that pretended to befriend a vulnerable young girl. Perhaps her reticence has less to do with being guilty of some nefarious deeds or purposeful rather than non-prescient errors in a handful of cases due to a lack of foresight and possibly misinformed beliefs.

Maybe she doesn’t talk about it much because that shit is hard as fuck for YOU to hear. She was there. The pain you feel the first time you hear of a child being destroyed by predators is so palpable you can feel yourself folding into yourself. Or, perhaps that’s just me. Perhaps she wants to spare you that.

Also from The Truths We Hold:

The Truths We Hold

Imagine that, Harris is a human, after all. And so too are we, the “victims” as human as the men “Kamala the Cop” locked away. She is on our side, the side of the vulnerable children, she, as always, sides with The People. I have no ability to count up or even find out about all of the cases that Kamala worked to be able to tell you how many of these perverts she locked away. I am sure that’s not a count she keeps either. The count that eternally gnaws at her soul is likely the number of predators she COULDN’T lock away, those who got away with it, and who still had access to their victims.

Nevertheless, she did not only work sex crimes against children. She worked homicides, rape of women and men, drug cases at times, and even violent crimes, like “scalping.”

A Fremont man who scalped his girlfriend down to the skull with a Ginsu-style steak knife was sentenced yesterday in Alameda County Superior Court to life in prison plus five years.

The bloody attack, which came after numerous threats and a previous attempt foiled by a dull knife, was the first scalping case in the court’s history.

Frankie Vanloock, 33, was convicted August 30 of aggravated mayhem and torture for scalping Monica Meyer-Harnisch, 35, and of misdemeanor assault for the earlier attack.


Judge Alfred Delucchi added five years to the life sentence because Vanloock used a deadly weapon and caused great bodily injury. The defendant will be eligible for parole in 12 years.

Here is what Kamala said:

“It’s appropriate for what he did,” prosecutor Kamala Harris said after the sentencing. “The manner in which this crime was committed was incredibly sadistic.”

Ya think?

Defense lawyer Walter Cannady filed an appeal after the sentence was handed down. He admitted Vanloock “screwed up,” but said the crime was drug- and alcohol-induced.

They were both druggies and alcoholics,” he said. “I believe he committed a battery, but I don’t believe he had the specific intent to maim or torture.

Excuse me, what the fuck do you think scalping is, muthafucker? (Torture and maiming) Just normal shit druggies and alcoholics do? What the bleeding fuck is wrong with you? Fuck you and fuck no, you fcuking idiot. He is using the word “they” like she has to share some of the blame for the maiming because she got high with her boyfriend. That is fucked up.

The sliced section of scalp could not be reattached. Meyer- Harnisch has since undergone surgery three times and is in therapy because of psychological trauma.

So, this is just a small taste of the sadistic and violent acts Kamala bore witness to through the eyes of the victims in her fights to bring justice to the people. The People aren’t  just The State, The Wealthy, or the Powerful–The People are also the 6 year old Molestation Victim, The Domestic Abuse Survivor, The Devastated Family, and as quiet as it’s kept?

The People are YOU.


There are a lot of Very Important White People (Checkmark Twitter) who have been doing the “Kamala is a cop” idiocy for the past week, mainly due to the timing of Kamala releasing her Mental Health Plan outline coinciding with Elizabeth Warren’s unfortunate decline in the polls. Sure, it may not seem normal that people would lash out at Harris and read things into her plans they do not say, just because of Liz’s misfortunes. Nevertheless I watched it happen myself, and have experienced their wrath firsthand. I sashay away…

Kamala doesn’t tell much of her own story, though much of what I have written here was gleaned from her last book, of which I have a copy on my desk. The rest had to be snatched bit by bit from the mouths of others, but it is real, and it is true, and it tells you who she is.

So, for those who forgot, this is your reminder.

Kamala locked up child molesters, and I thank her for that.


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SF Gate

The Truths We Hold

Smart on Crime

3 Times You Wished Kamala Harris Was Queen of EVERYTHING

Oh, Hai. Kamala Harris should be Queen of Everything, and it’s time for y’all to accept that.

Lately people seem to have forgotten just how awesome Kamala Harris is, so it’s time to remind you just how Queen she can be. I won’t just tell you, I will show you. There were three times (more really) that Kamala Harris was the undisputed champion of bringing the pain to the GOP. We are going to watch these videos, enjoy these videos, and then we will imagine her debating Trump. Laughter will ensue just by our picturing him shitting himself once he realizes there are literally zero crimes he can accuse her of to deflect from his own criminal enterprise.

As a Black Woman, I know how scary we are to White Men. White men have this strange fear of Black Women who are under 5’5″ tall. Perhaps they know we have a Multi-Cultural Short Women’s Revenge Army that goes around to all the wholesale AND retail stores. Do they suspect it’s our fault when tiny White Women get too close, and deftly bang those huge fucking carts into the back of unsuspecting men’s legs? It’s us. We are nationwide. So many tiny apologetic women who secretly are not one bit sorry are enough to break even the strongest man down. I’d fear us too. Kamala is our Queen. Be careful.

We are coming for you.

But I digress… You remember way back when Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was working his way through confirmation? No? Well, while you were sitting around coming up with clever names like, “The Keebler Klanner” someone smarter than you was busy preparing to make his life miserable. Yes, Kamala Harris, the “Jewel of the Senate” was busy going through his entire LIFE looking for one thing that might trip him up.

Look how she got at him. Oh boy!!! A Southern Gentleman getting dragged by a Black Woman is super satisfying. At the time, I felt like he was very fucking evasive. I still feel that way. In reality, what Sessions was doing was trying to run out the clock without doing TOO MUCH perjury. Not sure he managed that, but he certainly didn’t do as bad as the man who took over his position later.

Let’s look at the best part:

“Will you let me qualify it? If I don’t qualify it you’ll accuse me of lying. So I need to be correct as best I can and I’m not able to be rushed this fast. It makes me nervous.” 

Boy oh boy did her series of questions upset his equilibrium! Imagine Trump trying to debate her? I wouldn’t put it past Trump to simply refuse, claim harassment, and try to have Maya and Meena investigated by Ukraine.

I know this is out of order, but I wanted you to see how gross and tricksy these two White House Hobbits are. Barr, for his part, has no fucking clue what the word “suggested” even means!! Of course, the more questions Kamala asked, the less Barr knew about ANYTHING. It was clear, he had no idea what he was up against, even though he should have. Indeed, only a year before, she broke Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III down so bad he was whining like a little boy about being scared.

Nevertheless, Barr did his BEST to be stoic, to not answer a fucking thing straight or agree to shit, and to talk over her. Regardless of what his plan was, Kamala doesn’t allow men to interrupt or talk too much. It is known. All he ended up doing was playing right into her hands, and finished out the session stuttering and lying.


HARRIS: Has the president or anyone at White House ever asked or suggested that you open an investigation of anyone? Yes or no please, sir.

BARR: “The president or anybody else?”

HARRIS: Seems you would remember something like that, and tell us.

BARR: Yeah, but I’m trying to grapple with the word “suggest.” There have been discussions of matters out there that they have not asked me to open an investigation.

HARRIS: Perhaps they’ve “suggested”?

BARR: I wouldn’t say suggest.

HARRIS: “Hinted”?

BARR: I don’t know.

HARRIS: “Inferred”? You don’t know? Okay.

I think she meant “implied” but her point stands. Bill Bar was deceptive as fuck and she shook him like a bottle of baby formula; by the end, he looked like he saw prison bars in his future.

Remember this guy?? He likes Beer, Basketball, has a homey named Squi, and somehow has every fucking calendar he has owned from the 1970s until today! Isn’t that weird as fuck? On top of that, it’s also weird as fuck that women have accused him of sexual assault, yet the Senate confirmed him to the Supreme Court very easily. Another thing that’s weird as fuck, is how Mike Lee tried to save Kavanaugh from his very sudden memory problems. Ironically, the man who remembers what he was doing every night in 1984, suddenly cannot recall who he talked to within a year, and needs and employee roster to know who he spoke to. Wow.

Brett Kavanaugh, or Schrodinger’s Rapist as I like to call him, love floor-plans and hates questions. Unless they are about drinking beer, studying, or lifting weights. Those questions don’t make him cry.  Please don’t  be like Kamala and ask him something super difficult like, “have you talked to people who work there about Mueller?” The mental anguish he suffered in the wake of not answering anything must have been an unbearable load. I recall the feeling I had when I heard we had ruined his life by demanding he answer questions. I felt nothing for him whatsoever. Ok, maybe a bit of contempt.

I will leave you with a FREE BONUS VIDEO of Kamala Harris answering the TOUGH QUESTION of, “are you open to being Biden’s Vice President?” No, it doesn’t go with the theme I set up, but I wrote the blog post and you didn’t so STFU and watch what I wanna watch. It’s my favorite video besides Gay Pride Rainbow Jacket Day.



I told you it was the best.

Have another video!!

I know. She’s awesome.

One more!!!


You love it.

Now be good and buy me weed, or Black Friday will be hell on your ankle-backs once my Short Army catches up to you. Watch your back.


And now it’s time to support your favorite Kamala Blog, buy me weed, and help pay for all of these freaking subscriptions by donating via paypal or venmo.



Hold TF Up! Why Is The DNC Letting The Billionaire Steal Kamala’s Data??

There he is!! Thief! Thief!! Red Alert!!! Hold me back, y’all!!

What the entire fuck is going on? I was 900 words into a different post when this news alert came across my screen:

Tom Steyer aide stole Kamala Harris’ SC volunteer data from 2020 presidential voter file

Um? What, bitch? Who the fuck is running the goddamn databases at the DNC that just lets ANY fucking campaign into Kamala’s goddamn data files? And why pick Kamala’s? Joe has way more folks. It’s like Bernie 2016 was reborn in Steyer 2020! WHY ARE YOU EVEN RUNNING, DUDE? Do you not have enough privilege yet, or how much more do you need? King? Will you go home if we make you King? NO. You’ll never be King. That’s Kamala’s job too.

I guess this is like that thing where Liz steals Kamala’s catch phrases because her little bleached personality is blanderiffic, so she can’t think of her own. Whatever, but that data, tho, what the fuck is even going on, DNC?

From Post and Courier:

A South Carolina aide for Tom Steyer’s 2020 presidential campaign stole valuable volunteer data collected by Kamala Harris’ campaign using an account from when he worked with the S.C. Democratic Party, according to multiple state and national party officials.

Ain’t this about a bitch and a half? Y’all, I am not in the goddamn mood for any new foolfuckery!!

The Democratic National Committee quickly caught the attempt on Friday by Steyer’s deputy S.C. state director Dwane Sims to export Harris’ data, which contained thousands of volunteer contacts collected over the course of the campaign in this critical early-voting primary state.


The party sent a cease-and-desist letter and has since received certification from Sims that he destroyed the stolen data, S.C. Democratic Party chairman Trav Robertson told The Post and Courier. The Steyer campaign said it does not have possession of the data.

Oh. Sure, Jan. Of course you don’t have any of that data or any other data that he stole that y’all didn’t get caught trying to access. I always take a powerful billionaire who is running to obtain more power at his word when he says “Honest Abe! I would NEVER steal data, we cut it up and threw it away.” Is that the story?

And who is this “Sims” guy anyway?(pleasedontlethimbeblackplease!)


“We take this matter very seriously, and that is why we immediately worked with the DNC to disable this employee’s access to Vote Builder,” said S.C. Democratic Party chairman Trav Robertson, referring to the voter file system. “It is critical that the Steyer campaign take immediate action regarding their employee.”

Um, yeah…I don’t know. You just don’t seem upset enough for me, I’m sorry. If this was Star Search, I’d rate your upsettedness at about, meh, I’d say 1 3/4 Stars. That’s not good. You can get up to like 4 stars, maybe 5. It’s been a long time. Why did he even have access? I don’t know anything about data management, and that is mad inconvenient at the moment. Oh, and this part, “It is critical that the Steyer campaign take immediate action regarding their employee.” SHUT UP. 

Sims was placed on administrative leave over the weekend while the Steyer campaign conducts an internal investigation, Steyer campaign spokesman Alberto Lammers said.

Oh. So, like a cop? Niiiiice! I would have been fired, just saying. I actually would have resigned in shame, written an unreccommended, inopportune, and reckless confessional, posted it, got trolled and abused, cried, and deleted all of my social media accounts that people know about. I’d probably have done it even if I wasn’t guilty, so, I fully expect to have this happen one day. Let us know when y’all finish investigating yourselves, kay? Thanks.

Sims also is permanently banned from the voter file and all Democratic Party systems, Democratic National Committee spokeswoman Xochitl Hinojosa said.

How dumb are you, dude? I mean, not intellectually or abilitywise, but common sensewise? Very. You know they can’t let you come back to work now, even if it was a stupid group plot, right? What were you even thinking?

Before joining the Steyer campaign, Sims was the voter file manager at the S.C. Democratic Party, giving him access to the proprietary data each campaign collects by contacting voters and potential volunteers.

Dude. You know you coulda gone back and worked there after the campaign, right? And you know Steyer isn’t going to win, right? Hold the fuck up. I just got an alert from Twitter and I’m about to lose my shit.

What the fuck. So, now y’all saying that nobody did anything at all and the whole DNC catching you in the act is bullshit? Dios mio! Mon Dieu! Mein Gott! Боже мой! Oh, Lord.

Let’s see what else the Post and Courier had to say before I wrap this up:

After Sims left the state party in September, Robertson said the party followed standard protocol by disabling his access to party accounts. But Sims was able to gain access to the Harris’ data using a separate training account that had been inadvertently left active after Sims created it.

What the fuck? Why would you use the training account, Sims? You’re not working there anymore, even if you could access something, you shouldn’t even KNOW, because you shouldn’t even TRY to log into some shit you ain’t supposed to be in. Let me just say something about integrity okay? Have some. Cool. When I no longer work somewhere, one of the first things I do is log out of everything, then go to my password manager and delete each and everything connected with that place. Not because I am worried I might sneak back in to do free work for shits and giggles. It’s so I can never accidentally log into their shit instead of mine. I’m sorry, this isn’t looking good.

Lammers attributed the problem to the state and national party, saying they had “failed to limit access” to Sims after he left.

“He acted quickly to alert the appropriate people to rectify the matter, and the access was turned off by the party authorities,” Lammers said.

Lammers is the Steyer Campaign Spokesman. So, he’s saying that Sim’s did nothing wrong and was just helping out? Using old access passwords and usernames he knew he wasn’t supposed to use is really the fault of the DNC? Oh, shit. Didn’t Bernie sue the DNC after his campaign accessed Hillary’s files? Yep.


Lammers initially suggested Sims had inadvertently downloaded Harris’ data believing that it was Steyer’s, not realizing that he had logged in to an old party account instead of the Steyer campaign account.

I wish you could see my fucking face right now. Really? That was the story you decided to tell the world?

But Hinojosa said that the DNC system showed Sims had downloaded the data at 3 p.m., three minutes after he had notified the party that he still had access and while they were working to revoke it.

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Oh!! How are you gonna sit up there and say some bullshit about “It was an accident!” and continue downloading AFTER you report your accidental access? Muthafucka! Ain’t nobody stupid, ok, Chief?

Still, Lammers faulted the DNC.

“We are talking about 180 seconds in a system that is notoriously inaccurate,” Lammers said. “And the DNC is not disputing the key fact that our employee proactively approached them to inform them of the matter. The bottom line is that nothing would have taken place if the DNC had been more diligent about the security of voter data.”

Here is a photo of that cocky jerkface.

Well, it looks like we’re in for some more fuckery, go read everything else at Post and Courier, they broke this story and I have a feeling this ain’t over by a long shot. I mean, this hasn’t even been blamed on Kamala, Hilary, or Obama yet.  Stay Tuned.

Post and Courier


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It’s Debate Day! Also Time For Marianne (and Those Guys Whose Names I Forgot) To Drop Out!

Time for another Democratic Debate! Are you super ready to lose your goddamn mind watching the biggest, most dumbest, all together extra batshit show of your life? Besides Trump’s show, I mean? NO?!

Well, too fucking bad, you get what the DNC gives you, and you like it or else!

On Tuesday night, the top dozen Democratic candidates are set to appear at the party’s fourth 2020 primary debate, set at Otterbein University in Westerville, Ohio, starting at 5 p.m. Pacific. The debate, co-hosted by CNN and the New York Times, will be broadcast on CNN and streamed online at cnn.com and nytimes.com, as well as on the outlets’ apps.

I mean, really. Whose dumbass idea was it to stuff 12 Dems on one stage, not give them ANY weed, and just hope for the best? Tom Perez, if this was your idea, maybe you need to calm down on having ideas from now on, because I haven’t thought much of your ideas since the stupid ass “unity” commission. Boy oh boy, that sure didn’t fucking work at all as far as “unity” is concerned. Yet it did manage to marginalize Black Democrats and alienate Hillary voters, so, at least you got something out of your time heading the DNC, Tom.

Great, thanks a lot for midterms though, I’m just gonna give you some credit for that one thing ever, and that’s it, because you are on my bad side. Uh huh. Now you know. And the way you have set up the debates? You’ll never make it out of Badside-land. You might as well get comfortable.

Speaking of Badside-land, we have 12, yes I said 12 candidates, who will be participating in the debate tonight, and one of them is NOT Marianne Williamson. I just wanted to remind you that the Queen of Emo-Woo is not a real candidate, and as such, people aren’t choosing her name in polls very often. I find this comforting as fuck. As shitty as our nation can be at voting (TRUMP), it seems we are trying to curb the stupider angels of our nature, and I am so fucking here for this no Marianne business. That blatherskite loves to natter on and on about the most strugglesome “love” tommyrot ever heard by anything with ears. Gah. I just think Marianne Williamson is weird as all hell, and I hear she hangs out with Tulsi Gabbard, so… Yeah. No.

On the stage tonight we will have ERRY DAMN BODY ELSE. From left to right on the stage will be; Tulsi Gabbard, Tom Steyer, Corey Booker, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Pete Buttigieg, Andrew Yang, Beto O’Rourke, Amy Kloubuchar, and Julián Castro. If you are not on this stage, you are not running for President anymore, okay? Marianne? You needn’t be sad over this. I hear Area 51 still doesn’t have a Queen, please go there, thanks, bye.

We have some other people who will be missing from the stage that Marianne can take to Area 51 with her. Senator Michael Bennet who is nice, yet incredulous, former Rep. John Delaney whose face is like your dad’s when you turned out to be a failure, Montana Gov. Steve Bullock who already has a job and could even get a new one in the Senate. Rep. Tim Ryan who said one good thing I liked one time won’t be there, and neither will former Rep. Joe Sestak who I seem to remember losing Senate races, or maybe I made that up.

I personally believe we still have too many goddamn candidates!! I’m going to be good and refrain from calling Marianne out again because that would be way too many times not to be sexism if I were a man, but I’m just saying I almost trust every man on that stage more than her. Not because she’s a woman, you asshole. Because she believes the movie Avatar is like the holy grail of explaining whatever, I really don’t ever understand her, and that’s fucking unusual. We are both supposedly speaking English.


See? No idea what the fuck she’s talking about. Watched it twice again Nothing. None of that shit explained Trumpass, this stupidest trade war of trade wars, how internet trolls could fuck off an election, aspic, hot dog pie, or people eating mayonnaise on EVERYTHING. Even hot dogs and french fries. Pizza. I’m not watching Avatar again, Lady. It didn’t explain shit.


So, this has been your pre debate explainer, I will write a round-up letting you know who Tulsi kneecapped, who Bernie yelled at, how cool Kamala was, if Auntie Granny Liz ever answered a direct question, how Julian and Biden: Round 2 shakes out, and if I remember anything Pete says. The candidates are getting ready to take the stage and I am getting all my snacks in order, let’s live blog this bitch on Twitter.




LA Times

Kamala Harris Straight Up Says Trump Is Not a Patriotic President, Calls for Impeachment

Kamala Harris doesn’t appreciate Donald Trump trying to collude with Ukraine in order to interfere in the current Presidential election, and she is calling for some accountability and consequences. She is also calling out the Director of National Security for not meeting his responsibility to hand over Whistleblower complaints to the House and Senate intelligence committees. She sat down with Ali Velshi and discussed her work on the Senate Intelligence Committee and the Senate Judiciary Committee, where she says they have managed to develop a non-partisan working relationship, and they want the Whistleblower complaint released ASAP. Unfortunately for them, Mitch McConnell has the final word on issues the full body of the Senate takes up.

Strangely enough, last evening Mitch McConnell agreed to actually take up a bill forcing Trump to release the Whistleblower complaint. Yes. You read that right. After losing 42 House members in the Blue Wave, it appears that Republicans are finally waking up to the fact that Trump is more like a Nixon than a Bill Clinton, and the outcome may leave some of them in the Unemployment line after 2020.

President Trump was allegedly bargaining aid to Ukraine in exchange for Ukraine going after Joe Biden through his son. Joe, who has long threatened to take Trump back to Highschool so that he can beat his ass behind the Gym, is actually innocent of wrongdoing, he simply has a son who was a member of a board of some Eastern European business; this is a board that he may not really have been qualified to be on. This has not affected the election so far, nor has it affected Biden’s relationship with Trump. Joe still wants to beat him up. Biden, perhaps seeing that the fear of a Scranton Skullbuster made Trump become erratic, made a new offer this summer to instead challenge Trump to a push-up contest. Trump, for his part, has not yet agreed to the “Feats of Strength” that Biden seemingly believes are an important part of the Presidency.

Adam Schiff, from the House Intelligence Committee, is extra excited, you can tell because he used the words “look forward to” in his tweet about the whistleblower seeking to speak to his committee. He usually doesn’t use any optimistic-sounding language when it comes to Trump; no word on if he is interested in some behind the Gym time with the President.


Ali Velshi, who is awesome, will explain what the entire fuck is going on with Joe Biden and his son.

See? Old Joe probably REALLY REALLY wants to beat his ass behind the school gym now.

Kamala Harris, perhaps having only gone behind the school gym to smoke that joint while listening to the “Sugar Hill Gang” and waiting for Tupac to finish growing up and join Digital Underground so she could listen to him instead, has not yet issued a physical challenge of her own to Mr. Trump. Regardless, she did mention she would “wipe the floor with him,” so I believe it is clear she is not in fear of Trump’s slow and lazy Octagon performance.

I have not heard what Amy Klobuchar has said about challenging Trump, though sources say she would force him to shave her legs in the Rose Garden while bumping Lizzo. Cory Booker abhors violence, so I see why he refuses to issue a fight challenge, though yet another source tells me that Booker’s girlfriend, Rosario Dawson, “could beat Trump’s ass herself” which may indicate why Senator Booker doesn’t believe he has to fight the President.

I have it on good authority that Liz Warren plans to challenge Trump to a walking contest if he ever looks at her funny. Not only does she believe she has what it takes to outwalk him, but she also plans to bring 1lb hand weights and do “Power Fists” the entire time. No word from any sources on Yang, probably because he’s fucking canceled just like Tulsi Gabbard. Gabbard, I have been told, believes she and Pete have already beat him in the physical contest by actually joining the military and not faking bone spurs. I would agree with her, but I do not like her, even though she’s right when it comes to Pete. Beto jumped on 4, 573 chairs and tables just this Summer, so, there was no need to ask my Beto sources about him issuing a challenge, apparently Beto is always in a physical contest with The World. My Castro source simply issued a statement of his own that I will share with you in full:

“Lol, didn’t you see him punch Biden in the mouth?”

This has been your daily Kamala Harris report: Impeachment Edition, join me once a day (or more) right here where I will be satirizing the news for you to make it more better.


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