Jesse Lee Peterson Discovers That People Do Things Like Fellatio ALL THE TIME, Also, Ladies Are Sluts Now

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Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God…

After watching Day 4 of the Trump Chaos Convention, I was feeling super depressed about the state of the Nation, and especially the Republican Party. As any well rounded, healthy, and petty Black Woman might do after witnessing such an event, I decided to find some Black GOP to make fun of. Oh, boy, that was a bad decision. It was a fateful one that has led me down a dark, and uncomfortable road I hope to never travel upon again. Rather than get my usual fix of laughing at Diamond and Silk, I chose to go in a completely different direction for my victim; for this occasion I chose none other than Right-wing Talk Show Host Jesse Lee Peterson, aka JLP. What the fuck is my problem?

Oh. My. God. What the fuck did I just watch, oh my GOD! Did I just watch 4 grown ass men time travel back to 1873 to discuss oral sex? Did he say any woman who is climaxing is “Becoming a man.”? OH MY GOD!! Did he just say if you do “that” you’ll never be trusted not to be doing it to EVERYBODY? I knew there was a reason I only laugh at this guy once a year.

Let’s analyze it in 4 parts, just for shits and giggles.

“Should I ask you guys this or not?”

He starts out saying the exact words that should have tipped me off that it was time to boogie on off and find something else with which to entertain myself. But, no. I stayed, and heard him say giving oral sex to a woman was like “eating out of a trash can” within the first minute and 30 seconds. Whoa. He also said, and I quote, “You have the dirt coming out, blood, other people’s sex stuff, disease, and you just eating it out…” WHOSE VAGINA HAS ALL THAT SHIT GOING ON? DIRT? WHAT? OTHER PEOPLE’S SEX STUFF? Hold on.

Okay, I’m back. I had to throw up right quick. What the fuck is wrong with him? Dirt? Does he just not understand vaginas, or does he sleep around with Zombies? Luckily, he has decided that all the women who do “that” are sluts, so we’re all pretty safe from him trying to message us on Badoo, or any other dating site known to mankind, thank GOD. Just type “I SUCK DICK” on your profile somewhere, I guess, and no JLP for you.

Did he say: “I thought it was like a SLUT thing?”

What CENTURY IS HE FROM? He had no idea “normal” women did that, he just knew sluts do it. Apparently, he says that, because, Black people would NEVER do “that” back in his day… Which is absolute bullshit. I won’t tell you how I know, let’s just say I read a lot. This is stunning. And fuck the assholes on the show with him saying, “All women are sluts these days.” Yes, kid, we are. Just never around ANY OF YOU. Ever.

Did a grown ass man just ask if “it” was called Oral Sex when done to a man? It’s like watching a group of 12 year olds from 1856 talk about sex, I am shocked at the ignorance I see. Lololololol, OMG!! “He could have just finished with another woman, he could be smelly after work..” Okay. Is he saying he’s a swinger or some shit? Why would he have just finished with another woman? What the fuck is really going on in these evangelical churches? Also, why hasn’t he ever heard of Condoms and Showers? Yo, I’m soooo confused.

“How would your woman know you want her to do that to you?” Oh, give me a fucking BREAK! No. You cannot possibly be this ignorant. This must be an act so you look super Christian to all your evangelical friends, this is bullshit. Why is he getting sex advice from the 3 men least likely to know where a clitoris is?

What. ??? This is the most awkward shit I have never witnessed in my life. I get it, this dude is on some Biblical shit, but why does Biblical mean “stupid”? Contrary to what JLP just said, it’s perfectly normal for women to climax, and it does not turn us into men, he’s fucking crazy. It was kinda sad watching these young men express disbelief in the reality of female orgasms; I’m sure they have unfulfilled wives somewhere, and a pool boy waiting in the wings to have a little Mrs. Robinson situation going on. Sex like something out of a Handmaid’s Tale might dry up my own cavern like the driest reaches of the Sahara, so, it’s not really any surprise they don’t believe in women actually having orgasms. Their poor wives will eventually discover them on their own, and boy will there be a tense conversation at the dinner table that night when she informs him of her ‘findings’ down “there.”

Jesse Lee Peterson lives in a dreamworld, or a hellscape; a place where everyone is constantly fucking someone else, but no foreplay is ever allowed. And his peanut gallery is no better, they just reinforce dumb ideas like “Women don’t orgasm, not really” and “If women orgasm, they’re becoming like men” and “If she does private fellatio with you, then she’s DEFINITELY doing it with other people,” just to list a few of the batshit insane things I learned by watching this 9 minute segment from hell. So, I’ll spend the next year trying to forget why I never ever ever watch a segment of his show by choice. Take care, yall.

 

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