Guess what happened this week? Yep. That ashy hotepess, Candace “I got mine” Owens, took her dry, patchy ass struggle edges to Congress just to blame black people for White Supremacy again. Every single complaint she had about Black People can be chalked up to the unfettered White Supremacy we are forced to endure.
Everything from “lack of black fathers in the home” (Thanks, Mass Incarceration!) to the struggles young Black boys have with literacy (Thank you Institutional Racism and the School to Prison Pipeline!) are a direct result of racism in our institutions. Listening to her is pretty much a complete waste of time.
Now, I’m not saying her jiggin’ and jivin’ ass doesn’t have the right to represent the 8% of negroes who still think the white man’s ice is colder, but I am saying she’s a fucking sell out. People say, “Yo B, what was that you said about Candace this morning?” And I tell them like this:
“I said I will snatch Candace Owens’ edges so hard, it will wax her pussy. ”
I mean that shit.
So let’s begin.
Candace Owens had her first brush with fame from being the VICTIM of the very same racism she says is not a problem these days. The racist incident she experienced happened around the time when her “Just for Me” relaxers stopped working back in highschool. Yet, she persisted in using that same box of mild chemicals, apparently, because that sweated out press ‘n curl she wore to Congress revealed her little baby astroknots to all and sundry this morning.
We all remember the days when moms and auntie Debbie used to gather around the stove to “bump them edges out” back in the ’80s, so I feel rather sorry for Candace that she never had a similar experience. Might have learned a thing or two.
But, I do digress.
Here is her dumb ass in Congress, courtesy of Jordan Uhl, (thank you, Jordan), and she is raggedy as fuck, both in attitude, edges, and intent.
The House is having a hearing on white supremacy and the Republicans invited Candace Owens who used her time to say it isn't actually an issue, that it wouldn't even rank in her top 100 issues and that the real issue is black-on-black crime & lack of masculinity in men. pic.twitter.com/kl2flYl7bK
— jordan (@JordanUhl) September 20, 2019
See how at first you thought I was being mean about her edges, but now you’re fully on my side?
What many of y’all don’t know, is she took her ridiculous ass to the Revolt Summit and looked like a gat damn fool. Even Katrina’s punkass didn’t show the fuck out like Candace, nor did she end up getting her ass dragged from coast to coast.
You can watch the entire thing here:
While T.I. was passionately speaking FOR the black community to uplift ourselves, and demand change, lil Tink Tink had her fun talking bad about the black community. And getting booed. Killer Mike focused on real shit like economic factors, black gun rights, and creating more economic opportunity and role models for black men, women, and our children, which is a good thing. Candace couldn’t even figure out when America was so great that Trump needs to take us back there. I may not be the biggest Killer Mike fan in the world, we are on opposing sides of the whole Bernie situation, but how could this woman hear the words out of his mouth and then take her strugglesome self to Congress perpetrating like that? Pays the bills, I suppose.
She took the opportunity she was given to speak on any issue she wanted, and she used it to attack Latinos, say black kids can’t read, and that black women don’t have enough babies. (Um, bish, why don’t you have some?) Honestly, she was so bad she pissed black people the entire fuck off, but Killer Mike says he has respect for ALL black women. So when he has the mic, he makes them let her ass talk. Unfortunately for us, he was extra respect that day. But one more thing, as an aside…
WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I KNOW KATRINA PIERSON WAS BLACK? (We will discuss how you can shuck and jive your way past the most finely tuned Black-dar in America another time)
Okay. The entire time either of these two sliggadells, Katrina or Candace, had something to say the entire crowd was upset. If you watch the forum, you will see that Candace Owens thinks Black people are so stupid and triggered, the mere utterance of the word “racist” causes us to discombobulate to the point where we just vote for whichever white person accuses the other white people of being racist most emphatically. But that’s not even the dumbest part of Calvin Candy–oops- I mean Candace Owen’s performance there on stage. It got worse.
This ridiculous Auntie was asked by T.I. which period was so great that Trump NEEDS to take us back there… She came with bullshit that was so weak and played out, T.I. went ahead and snatched her edges for me.
“I-I-I-I I think I would totally rock a hat that said ‘Make Black America great again.”
Yes. That’s what that stupaloop had to say about what period Trump was trying to take us back to.
Maybe if her grandmother had had a powder blue plastic-covered couch, and a living room that nobody was allowed to go in, she would have learned the fine art of edge maintenance. Perhaps if she had gone to Church anywhere near Crenshaw, where you got judged by other black people on how well you presented yourself AS WELL as on your appearance, she’d know better. Unfortunately, this is Candace the Brilliant Bad-ass Beautiful Bumble-Negress I’m talking about, and you can’t teach her ashy ass shit.
Back to the Congress situation…
Mark Meadows, the one who thinks having a black friend means you cannot be racist, was delighted to have Candace speak on behalf of the GOP. His bloodshot eyes filled with a paternalistic glee not seen since before Kizzy got pregnant with Chicken George. This is not to say Ms. Candace is in any way subservient, oh no no no, never that. As she was fully into her performative blackness, she was the Queen of Knowing What Is Really Wrong With Black People. Funny how detached she seems from the rest of us, off to the side with her Chosen Chad pointing and mocking us unenlightened negroes, and broadcasting our “Black folk business” to White America.
I do not like Candace Owens. As I was writing this delightful piece, I received a notification that I am in Twitter jail for a charming Tweet about Ms. Missy who lives in the Big House. So, unfortunately, you may not read this wonderful blog post until tomorrow, but that is fine, you can send me money for weed then. I’ll wait.